


WHEN EVIL FORCES INVADE

by SANS_TITRE



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Absurd, Comedy, Fun, I have so many characters they sometimes disappear, Ice-Skating, Ike is a dummy, M/M, Potato salads, Theatre, Weird, stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 04:56:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14277372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SANS_TITRE/pseuds/SANS_TITRE
Summary: Panick at the castle! Surtr is invading the place and nobody is ready for battle. Also it's Takumi's birthday.





	WHEN EVIL FORCES INVADE

 

 

 

 

**THE INVASION (an epic in one part, by me)**

 

 

KIRAN : We're under attack!

 

HINOKA : Again?

 

FREDERICK : No worries. I'll defend this kingdom.

 

VERONICA : It's too late. I'm already here.

 

HINOKA : You're fast.

 

VERONICA : I've been here for a while actually. I have slept in this castle for three days, and I took my breakfast with y'all this morning.

 

KIRAN : What? And nobody warned me?

 

FREDERICK : I did.

 

KIRAN : Shut up, I wasn't talking to you.

 

VERONICA : Surtr will be here any second now. Sorry, but you have lost.

 

HINOKA : Bummer.

 

VERONICA : And you'll be happy to learn that I chose _you_ to be my personnal pet when I become the new queen of this land!

 

HINOKA : Seriously? Couldn't you choose boob girl instead?

 

CAMILLA : Are you talking about me?

 

KAGERO : She's clearly talking about me. Don't be silly.

 

THARJA : You're both cute, but I bet I'm the one.

 

HINOKA : I was talking about Alfonse actually.

 

ALFONSE : _(Starts to awkwardly button up his shirt)_ I don't see what you're talking about.

 

SURTR : Knock knock.

 

 

 

 

FREDERICK : FUCK YOU!

 

SURTR : _(Breaks the door with his axe)_ I beg your pardon?

 

KIRAN : This is bad. This is really bad.

 

HINOKA : I think it's time to run! Who's with me?

 

THARJA : No one lol

 

_(Everybody runs away except Tharja. Surtr crushes her under his axe)_

 

SURTR : Lmfao, ur so random.

 

VERONICA : Please.

 

SURTR : Sorry.

 

_(In the hallway, Alfonse is running with Kiran on his back. He's followed by Hinoka, Camilla, Kagero, and Frederick. They arrive in the kitchen, where Niles and Laslow sit in a bunny costumes while Ike, Cain and Titania are baking a cake.)_

 

TITANIA : Oh, hello children.

 

IKE : What's the matter?

 

ALFONSE : GIANT! MUSHROOM! IN THE HALLWAY! MUST RUN!

 

KIRAN : What, that's not true.

 

LASLOW : What if it was?

 

ALFONSE : IT'S EATING CHILDREN! IT BROKE MY FAVORITE BOZGJVLUV POT!

 

IKE : What's a... pot?

 

TITANIA : It's like a watermelon, but brighter.

 

CAIN : I WANT TO DESTROY IT

 

KIRAN : I'M TELLING YOU THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A GIANT MUSHROOM, YOU ILLITERATE BAFOONS

 

HINOKA : I think my ears are bleeding.

 

CAMILLA : Do you think my belly button would feel less lonely if it had a buddy to talk to?

 

TITANIA : ...

 

LASLOW : ...

 

NILES : ... quack.

 

IKE : ...Maybe?

 

_(The wall explodes into a pancake. Surtr is brandishing a giant mushroom. Veronica is nowhere to be seen.)_

 

FREDERICK : If you must murder us, could you perhaps find a less... humiliating way to do so?

 

KIRAN : It wasn't there before! I swear it wasn't!

 

NILES : It's not nice to lie.

 

ALFONSE : HAHAHAHAHAHA (He collapses on the floor)

 

LASLOW : Oh dear.

 

HINOKA : I never got to ask... why are you and Niles dressed as rabbits?

 

IKE : Very sexy rabbits.

 

TITANIA : Ike!

 

IKE : _(blushing)_ I meant charming! Charming!

 

KAGERO : I feel like this story doesn't pay me enough attention.

 

_(Zelgius comes out of a well to tell her to shut up)_

 

LASLOW : It's was a surprise for Takumi! He should wake up any time soon.

 

HINOKA : But it's three in the morning.

 

LASLOW : He always gets up extra early to put on makeup.

 

CAIN : But if the rabbit disguise is a couple thing, why is Niles wearing one?

 

NILES : You should be grateful I'm even wearing anything.

 

CAIN : Oh.

 

SURTR : Guys! Guys!

 

KIRAN : No.

 

SURTR : Can I murder you now?

 

TITANIA : Actually, you'll have to wait a bit. The cake isn't fully cooked yet.

 

_(Twenty laborious minutes pass in silence. Ike takes the cake out of the oven. Everybody runs away. They end up in a room where Effie, Shanna, Chrom and Celica are sitting on chairs, doing absolutely nothing)_

 

CELICA : We, are having, such a blast. I say.

 

SHANNA : That is the truest thing I've ever heard! Wow!

 

FREDERICK : Master! Is this chair safe??

 

HINOKA : Hey, you never know. He might fall and break something.

 

FREDERICK : You're right. I shall remove the chair.

 

CHROM : Ouch!

 

HINOKA : Damn it I was joking!

 

CAIN : Why have we stopped running?

 

SHANNA : You were running? So exciting, can I run too?

 

KIRAN : I think we lost someone.

 

IKE : But who?

 

HINOKA : If you're speaking of Tharja I don't think that's much of a waste.

 

ALFONSE : _(getting back up)_ Agreed.

 

KIRAN : No, not her! Where did Camilla go?

 

EFFIE : I ate her.

 

KIRAN : What.

 

CAIN : I wonder where Surtr went. Did he get lost or something? Hah, what a moron.

 

TITANIA : I miss my cake. It was so young, and I abandoned it.

 

LASLOW : Takumi was going to eat it at any rate.

 

TITANIA : Monster...

 

CELICA : Hey, what is that sound?

 

_(They all shut up. Chrom falls again and breaks his ankle. Their hear a scream)_

 

CELICA : Someone was screaming.

 

HINOKA : Oh, really. How observant.

 

CELICA : Shut up, you boring wench.

 

HINOKA : Shut up, you uninteresting bag of dragon poo!

 

_(Looong silence)_

 

IKE : So are we not gonna do anything about that scream?

 

KIRAN : Yes! We are! Alfonse, take us there!

 

ALFONSE : What, all of us? That's like fifteen people!

 

EFFIE : Weak.

 

KIRAN : I meant, take me there please.

 

NILES : If anyone wants to be carried my back is free.

 

CAIN : No thanks!

 

_(They all start running again, except for Kiran who's carried by Alfonse and Chrom who's carried by Frederick. They arrive in a garden. Peri is standing in a fountain of milk. Camilla is being stabbed in the back by Laegjarn)_

 

IKE : A crime is being comitted! Right in front of my eyes!

 

_(He draws his axe. Camilla collapses. Laegjarn looks at him with what looks like feline curiosity. They start dancing and fighting at the same time.)_

 

_(It's pretty awkward to look at. Nobody says anything for quite a while)_

 

CAIN : So uh... nice fountain.

 

PERI : Thanks.

 

CAIN : Very... milky.

 

PERI : Indeed.

 

CAIN : Aaaaand, it's also... stoney!

 

PERI : Why are you doing this.

 

CAIN : What, I'm the weirdo here? Where did you even find a fountain of milk?

 

EFFIE : I built it.

 

NILES : As for the milk...

 

CAIN : Shut up, please.

 

CAMILLA : I'M STILL DYING HERE!

 

HINOKA : Good for you.

 

TITANIA : Did I forget to add flour in my cake?

 

LASLOW : What? How could you forget flour? It's like, the most basic ingredient!

 

CAIN : But I saw you adding powder. If it wasn't flour what was it?

 

PERI : Sand?

 

NILES : Cocaine?

 

CAIN : Co-Cain?

 

NILES : Shut up.

 

TITANIA : It might have been explosive powder.

 

LASLOW : What even the h-

 

_(An explosion breaks one of the walls. Everybody trips and falls, except for Ike and Laegjarn who are now improvising an ice-skating competition, that Fjorm is judjing from a distance, and Chrom who is still held firmly by Frederick)_

 

LASLOW : Ouch. I fear my nose is broken.

 

HINOKA : This is the worst day ever! Titania, I'm blaming you entirely for this!

 

TITANIA : That's fair.

 

PERI : You guys broke my fountain! My beautiful fountain!!

 

ALFONSE : It wasn't that pretty.

 

NILES : I thought the decorative lemons were pretty unnecessary.

 

EFFIE : I... am very upset.

 

PERI : ME!! TOO!!

 

NILES : Why though? The floor is really comfortable.

 

ALFONSE : It's not the floor, it's my body.

 

CELICA : Also there's milk everywhere.

 

PERI : What does that mean, huh?? You want to fight??

 

CELICA : ... yes. _(Peri jumps on Celica and starts punching her with full might. Celica reacts by rolling on the floor.)_

 

NILES : This is fun.

 

_(He punches Alfonse)_

 

ALFONSE : Ouch! You prick!

 

_(They start fighting as well)_

 

TITANIA : _(Turning over to Cain)_ Everyone seems to be having fun, and I don't want to be left out. _(She punches him.)_

 

CAIN : Oh, it's on!

 

SHANNA : Hey, I want to fight too!

 

_(She looks at Chrom with envious eyes)_

 

FREDERICK : You'll have to get through me first!

 

SHANNA : With pleasure!

 

_(She punches him in the gut. They start fighting. Peri starts fighting herself.)_

 

LASLOW : ...

 

HINOKA : Don't even think about it.

 

LASLOW : I wasn't.

 

KAGERO : Why does nobody care about me?

 

EFFIE : I had honestly forgotten you were still here.

 

_(Surtr comes out of the ruins of the wall)_

 

SURTR : There you are!

 

_(Hinoka and Effie get up to fight him. Kiran has fallen asleep. Camilla is dead. Ike has won the ice-skating competition ; him and Laegjarn are battling to see who can make the most delicious potato salad)_

 

LASLOW : What a nightmare... _(He stands up in the middle of the mess. A fireball misses him by inches.)_ Why must I continually be plagued by these irrationnalities?

 

TAKUMI : Watch out!

 

LASLOW : Huh?

 

_(Takumi appears in the sky, with giant angel wings, holding (somehow) the evil bow skadi. He shoots one arrow. It pierces Surtr's face ; he turns into a black and white butterfly, and flees the scene. Takumi's wings then disappear, and he lands safely in front of Laslow.)_

 

LASLOW : Err... happy birthday, my love!

 

TAKUMI : Thanks, you too!

 

LASLOW : That is... not how these things work.

 

TAKUMI : So, have you got a gift for me?

 

LASLOW : Well... there's my half-ruined bunny costume, the remains of an explosive cake, and this lemon, which somehow ended in my hair.

 

TAKUMI : It's exactly what I wanted! How did you know?

 

LASLOW : I... I guess I'm just that good, haha.

 

_(The sun rises above the mountains in the horizon)_

 

TAKUMI : Oh, it's so pretty! Also I'm blind now!

 

NILES : _(To Alfonse)_ What a day, am I right?

 

ALFONSE : It hasn't even started yet!

 

NILES : Aren't they just the cutest, though.

 

ALFONSE : ... true.

 

IKE : I made potato salad, if anywone wants any.

 

LAEGJARN : Mine was better.

 

FJORM : So you thought.

 

TAKUMI : It's delicious!

 

_(Then, every tree becomes a quiche)_

 

LASLOW : Tornados on a stick, or clouds in a mirror?

 

TAKUMI : Yes.


End file.
